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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26277370">If I Am Not The Captain, Then Who Am I?</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account'>orphan_account</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Trek: Voyager</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Fluff, Love, Masturbation, Self-Discovery, Self-Reflection</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 06:22:29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,140</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26277370</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Kathryn Janeway ponders her life on New Earth while Chakotay is away.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>29</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>If I Am Not The Captain, Then Who Am I?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>The episode "Resolutions" has been on my mind a lot during the COVID-19 pandemic. Like Kathryn Janeway, many of our lives have been turned upside down. We find ourselves having to navigate a new, unfamiliar world, which has been frightening and overwhelming. For my safety and my sanity, I recently decided to leave my job as a teacher and get a new one in an entirely different field. I didn't realize how much my career had been part of my identity until I left my field, and I keep asking myself, if I am not my job, then who am I? I think Kathryn Janeway would have asked herself a similar question on New Earth. "If I am not Captain Janeway, then who am I?" I wanted to focus on that part of Janeway's story, her struggle to discover who she is on New Earth and how she wants Chakotay to fit into her new life. I also wanted her ponder these questions on her own, which is why Chakotay is only referenced in the story and does not make a direct appearance. This is the first time I have posted fan fiction, and I hope you all enjoy it as much as I enjoyed writing it! LLAP!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“...as women, we need to take our own breath away at least once in our life.” Sue Monk Kidd</p><p>Kathryn Janeway wrapped herself in a bathrobe and stepped out into the night. A few days ago her life was turned upside down when her research was destroyed by a storm. Then, last evening Chakotay had given her a back massage that ended with both of them feeling awkward and embarrassed. It was all too much at once, her research being destroyed, accepting that she was never going home, mourning the loss of her old life, letting go of Mark and the Voyager crew, trying to embrace her new life, trying to understand her feelings for Chakotay, panicking when things between them began moving way too fast, and feeling completely overwhelmed by the enormity of it all. She stayed awake the whole night trying to figure out what to say to him in the morning, and to her great relief he had offered to go hiking alone for a few days to give them both some space to process it all. She accepted his offer and he left a few hours later. When he was gone she was at a loss for what she should do. She realized she was exhausted and decided to take a nap, something she hadn’t done in years. She planned for it to be a short one, but she was so tired she slept through her alarm and didn’t wake up until the sun was going down. She made herself a quick meal, then decided to go outside for a bath.</p><p>She stood and took in the scenery around her. It was a lovely night, with a pleasant cool breeze and a full moon above. She smiled, realizing she was feeling better, and made her way to the tub. When she arrived she turned on the faucet and ran her hands under the water to make sure the temperature was right. Since Chakotay wasn’t there she decided to take off the robe and stand naked as the tub filled, enjoying the freedom of being alone. The cool breeze felt good on her bare skin, and she sat on the tubs edge and dangled her feet in. When the tub filled she shut off the faucet and slid into the steamy water. She sighed with contentment and stared up at the stars. </p><p>“It’s so beautiful here,” she thought to herself. She realized it was the first time she’d looked at the stars and not dreamed of returning to Voyager. It made her sad to realize this, but she also felt a great sense of relief. Trying to find a cure had been consuming her life, and it felt strangely liberating to let go. She smiled and began to massage her still sore shoulders. It wasn’t lost on her that she was beginning to embrace her new life while sitting in the bathtub Chakotay had built her. He had accepted their situation weeks ago, and she realized he’d built the bathtub to help her accept it, too. He’d seemed almost eager to build a new life here, which she'd resented at first, but now she was thankful for it. It could take time to truly see this place as home, but things like the bathtub and headboard were already making it a little easier. She realized she missed Chakotay, but she was glad they’d decided to spend some time apart. She had planned to talk to him about defining parameters between them, but first she wanted to define parameters about herself. For years, her Starfleet career had defined her, but now that career was over. If she wasn’t Captain Janeway, who was she? She realized she had no idea. She sighed in frustration, knowing that she wasn’t going to find out overnight. She was impatient to know the answer and wished she could be as good at adapting to things as Chakotay was. He’d already adapted from being in the Maquis to being in Starfleet again, and now he had adapted to life here just as seamlessly. She envied him, and was thankful he was the one here with her.</p><p>She realized that she was also going to have to figure out where HE fit into all this. And how did she want him to fit into it? It was too much change to fathom all at once, so she closed her eyes and willed herself to relax. She rubbed at her sore muscles a little harder, then her mind floated back to the evening before when he was the one massaging them. She’d liked having his hands on her like that and she’d loved the feel of his body close to hers. This wasn’t the first time she’d had thoughts like this about him, but in the past she had always pushed the thoughts away before they got too out of hand. Tonight, she decided to explore the thoughts instead.</p><p>“Just let go.”</p><p>She stopped massaging her shoulders and slid her hands down to her breasts. She caressed them and felt her nipples getting hard under her palms. She brushed her fingertips over them and gently pinched them, shuddering with pleasure, then slid a hand between her legs and began to touch herself. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d masturbated, something she’d always enjoyed, and she sighed with contentment as she rubbed herself. Starting this new chapter in her life was unnerving, but she was Kathryn Janeway, and if anyone could get through this, she could. She wasn’t a captain anymore, but she still had the same passion and spirit that she did on Voyager, and she knew she would be able to find it here, too. And if she was lucky, maybe she and Chakotay could become more than friends. She smiled, realizing how much she would like this, and she continued to pleasure herself. </p><p>“You deserve to be happy, Kathryn Janeway.”</p><p>For the first time, she allowed herself to fantasize about him without holding back or feeling guilty. She thought about all the things she wanted him to do to her, what he looked like naked, where she’d like to touch him. She teased herself and moaned, hoping that he’d be touching her someday soon. She rubbed herself a little harder, then opened her eyes and stared up at the stars as she began to climax. She moaned and enjoyed her orgasm, rubbing herself until it subsided. When it was over she smiled and sighed in contentment. She’d been living for others for so long that she’d forgotten to live for herself, and now she had the opportunity to start over and finally put herself first. She watched a shooting star streak across the sky, and for the first time she didn’t feel like she was stranded anymore. </p><p>She felt like she was home.</p>
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